Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Anyone will tell you that forming friendships is one of life's simplest joys, yet many adults find it surprisingly difficult. As children, making friends seemed effortless—often as easy as simply asking, "Will you be my friend?" But as we grow into adulthood, a different question hangs in our minds: why is it so hard to make new friends?

Peer-to-Peer Relationships Are More Complex

Think back to one of your first friendships from childhood; what made you want to be friends with them? Was it a shared interest? Maybe they were nice or funny, and you just liked spending time with them. In adult friendships, those things may not be enough to sustain a friendship.

Think about what you want in a friend. Do they have to have the same interests as you? Maybe, but it's not a requirement. What becomes more important are character traits like dependability, supportiveness, or loyalty. Those are things that aren't immediately self-evident. That can make it hard to tell if this is a person you really want to be friends with.

From Shared to Individual Experiences

As children, we are ushered through life as a group. We sit next to the same classmates year after year until it's time to change schools or graduate. This results in shared experiences, a cornerstone of developing meaningful relationships. Even if you weren't particularly close to your entire high school class, there is a sense of camaraderie in recalling the senior prank you all pulled off together.

Once we leave school, the people we see most consistently are our co-workers. This is now the group you have shared experiences with. But, what if you work alone? What if there are no opportunities to socialize with your co-workers?

The Role of Time Constraints

Time constraints are one of the biggest barriers to making friends in adulthood. Busy schedules filled with work and family leave little room for socializing.

When we finally find some free time, we often prioritize family, existing friends, or rest. If most of the time in our day is allocated to work, what little free time we have should be devoted to the relationships we already have, other obligations, or getting the much-needed rest we deserve after a long day of work. The problem arises when we there is no time left to seek out new social connections.

Embracing Intentionality

So how do we make meaningful friendships despite these obstacles? Intentionality.

Where are you finding yourself getting stuck? If it's a lack of time in the day, maybe actively setting aside time to attend social gatherings once a week will help. If you find you aren't bonding with people, maybe try a social gathering that involves an activity that will foster shared experiences.

Allow the process to take time; a friend is someone you trust, but trust takes time to build. You may find that there isn't a moment where you went from not being friends to being friends; people tend to grow on us slowly.

It may also be a good time to reassess existing friendships. Can that relationship be refreshed? Does it need to change?

I view social connection as a need on par with hunger, thirst, or sleep. Maybe you don't have a high social need and you feel completely fulfilled with a smaller social life. That's fine! But if there is a need that is not being met, maybe it's time to take steps to meet those needs.

Emma Barr, LPA