Helping Kids Calm Down: Teaching Emotional Regulation Through Connection
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- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
When Big Feelings Take Over.
When I wasn’t attending college classes to become a therapist, I spent much of my time working as a preschool teacher with children ranging from 2 months to 6 years old. During those years, I worked closely with parents to help their children to not only meet important developmental milestones, but to also build social and emotional skills that allowed them to enjoy school, understand themselves, and express their needs more effectively. But as any parent or teacher knows, this is not always an easy process. Watching a child struggle with big emotions—the tears, the yelling, the moments when nothing seems to work—can be incredibly hard. Many parents find themselves wondering, “Why can’t my child just calm down?”
The truth is, calming down is a skill that takes time, practice, and connection to develop. Before children can regulate their emotions on their own, they first need to observe or even borrow calm from the adults around them. This process is called co-regulation, and it can be one of the most powerful tools parents can offer.
Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation.
When children are upset, their brains are flooded with emotion. The part of the brain responsible for reasoning and self-control isn’t fully developed yet — especially for younger children.
Because of this, children learn how to calm down by experiencing it with us. When a parent stays nearby, uses a gentle voice, and models calm, the child’s nervous system begins to settle, too. This shared regulation helps children gradually internalize the skills they’ll one day be able to use on their own.
In Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), we often talk about the importance of connection before correction. During special time, or the purposefully portioned time each day spent interacting and connecting with our children, parents use PRIDE skills — Praise, Reflect, Imitate, Describe, and Enjoy. These moments strengthen the bond between parent and child, creating a foundation of trust and emotional safety that makes co-regulation possible.
Turning Connection Into Learning Moments.
We all feel emotions. Helping a child regulate isn’t about stopping the feeling — it’s about teaching what to do with it. When a child is overwhelmed, here are a few ways parents can use connection to support them:
Label emotions: “You’re feeling really frustrated that the game ended.” This helps the child to learn what it is that they are feeling, and to normalize it. This also gives the emotion a purpose and helps to categorize it as an expression of a need for help/to take a break/redirection/etc.
Model calm: “Let’s take a big breath together. I’m going to calm my body first.” Much like children learn to interact with the world through play, they learn to interact with their emotions through observation and imitation.
Praise small regulation attempts: “I love how you took a breath instead of shouting.” Children thrive on attention and praise. This helps to teach that these attempts at regulating, even if not fully successful, are positive for the self and in their relationship with you as the parent.
Additionally, these small, connected moments help children build emotional language, body awareness, and confidence.
In PCIT, parents learn to strengthen these same skills in session, with live support and coaching that makes it easier to bring calm into daily life.
Supporting Parents, Too.
Staying calm when your child isn’t is one of the hardest parts of parenting. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated, helpless, or even triggered yourself in those moments.
In working with parents and children, we recognize that it’s not just about helping children; it’s about supporting parents, too. PCIT offers coaching and guided practice, helping parents learn tools that make emotional storms feel more manageable. Over time, families build a new rhythm of calm, connection, and confidence.
When we lead with connection, children learn that emotions are safe. Through our calm presence, they discover that big feelings don’t have to be scary — they can be understood, managed, and worked through together.
With time, patience, and support, co-regulation becomes self-regulation — and families grow stronger in the process.
Interested in Learning More?
Never stop learning. If you’d like to learn more about helping your child build emotional regulation or explore Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, we would be happy to support you.
