If you’re in a committed relationship, you’ve probably encountered a "power struggle" at some point.
It might show up as arguments that feel impossible to resolve, a sense of emotional disconnection, or a persistent feeling of being stuck in repetitive patterns of conflict. These power struggles are a common—and often painful—part of intimate relationships.
But what if you could see these struggles not as signs of a failing relationship, but as opportunities for growth?
According to relationship experts Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, power struggles are a natural and predictable part of love, deeply rooted in unconscious dynamics that stem from early childhood.
In this post, we’ll break down what the power struggle is, why it happens, and, most importantly, how you and your partner can work through it to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
What Is the Power Struggle?
In relationships, a power struggle is not just about who gets to make decisions, but about a deeper, emotional battle for control, validation, and emotional security. It’s when two partners seem to be locked in a cycle of conflict, often over issues that feel emotionally charged or unresolved.
For example, you may find yourselves fighting about the same things—who does more housework, who communicates better, or how much time you spend together—but the underlying issue is about something much deeper.
According to Hendrix and Hunt, the root of these struggles often comes from the unconscious emotional needs we developed in childhood. When we are children, we form attachments to our caregivers (usually our parents), and these attachments shape our expectations for love and connection.
However, when these needs were unmet—whether due to emotional unavailability, neglect, or inconsistent care—we can carry these unmet needs into our adult relationships, often without even realizing it.
The power struggle arises when one partner unconsciously tries to get these unmet emotional needs fulfilled through the other, leading to frustration, resentment, and tension.
Why Do Power Struggles Happen?
Power struggles happen for several reasons, many of which are tied to the way we learned to navigate relationships in childhood. Hendrix and Hunt explain that we tend to choose partners who reflect our "Imago"—the unconscious image of our primary caregivers.
This means we may be drawn to people who evoke similar emotional responses or dynamics that we had with our parents. While this may initially feel like “true love,” it can also reactivate old wounds and unresolved emotional needs, setting the stage for power struggles.
Here are some of the key reasons why power struggles occur in relationships:
1. Unmet Childhood Needs: If your emotional needs weren’t fully met as a child, you may unconsciously expect your partner to meet those needs now. This can create tension, as no one can fully fulfill the roles of your parents.
2. The Desire for Control: Power struggles often emerge when we feel out of control in our lives. If we didn’t feel in control as children, we might seek to control our partner in an attempt to feel secure.
3. Miscommunication and Unresolved Conflict: When communication breaks down or issues go unresolved, emotional tension can build up, leading to repetitive conflicts that feel like “power struggles.”
4. Different Coping Styles: One partner may react with withdrawal or avoidance during conflict, while the other may become more assertive or confrontational. These differing styles can escalate tension and create a struggle for emotional dominance.
5. The Unconscious Drive to Heal Old Wounds: Sometimes, we subconsciously choose partners who trigger old wounds from childhood. The power struggle may represent an attempt to “rewrite” past experiences or fix unmet childhood needs. But because these needs are unconscious, the struggle often feels confusing and unresolved.
How to Work Through the Power Struggle
While power struggles can feel overwhelming, they don’t have to break a relationship. In fact, Hendrix and Hunt believe that working through these struggles is an essential part of building a deeper, more authentic connection. Here are some key strategies for navigating and healing the power struggle in your relationship:
1. Recognize the Power Struggle for What It Is
The first step in addressing any issue in a relationship is understanding it. Recognize that power struggles are often emotional dynamics rooted in unmet needs from childhood. When you can see the power struggle for what it truly is—an opportunity for emotional healing and growth—it can shift the way you approach the conflict.
- Tip: When you find yourself in a heated argument, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself: What emotional need is underlying this argument? Is it about control, validation, or something deeper?
2. Focus on Mirroring, Validation, and Empathy
One of the most effective ways to break the cycle of power struggles is to practice active listening. Hendrix and Hunt emphasize the power of mirroring, validating, and empathizing with your partner’s experience. This process can help you both feel heard and understood, which reduces defensiveness and promotes emotional intimacy.
- Mirroring: One partner speaks, and the other reflects back what they heard, both the content and the emotional tone. This helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that each partner feels truly heard.
- Validation: After mirroring, acknowledge that your partner’s feelings make sense, even if you don’t agree with everything they’re saying. Validation builds respect and shows that you are honoring their emotional experience.
- Empathy: Express empathy by letting your partner know you understand how their feelings affect them emotionally. This deepens connection and promotes emotional healing.
By listening with empathy and reflecting your partner's feelings back to them, you shift the conversation from a battle of wills to a shared understanding.
3. Understand and Heal Unmet Childhood Needs
To work through the power struggle, it’s essential to become aware of the emotional needs driving your behavior. Reflect on how your childhood experiences—your relationship with your caregivers—might be influencing your expectations in your current relationship.
For example, if you experienced emotional neglect as a child, you might be unconsciously seeking constant reassurance or attention from your partner, which can lead to frustration if these needs aren’t met. Understanding these dynamics allows you to consciously separate past wounds from present realities.
- Tip: Consider discussing with your partner what each of you may have experienced as children. What unmet emotional needs might be showing up in your relationship today? Acknowledging these issues together can help foster a sense of compassion and mutual understanding.
4. Shift from Reactivity to Responsiveness
Instead of reacting automatically to triggers, strive to become more responsive in your relationship. Hendrix and Hunt emphasize that the more you can be mindful of your reactions, the less likely you are to fall into destructive patterns of blame or defensiveness.
- Tip: When you feel triggered, take a deep breath before responding. Ask yourself: How can I respond with curiosity and understanding, rather than defensiveness or control? This shift toward a more thoughtful response helps break the cycle of the power struggle.
5. Practice Collaborative Problem-Solving
A key element in overcoming power struggles is shifting from a mindset of “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” Instead of trying to win the argument, approach it as a collaborative process where both partners work together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.
- Tip: After acknowledging each other’s emotional experiences, shift the focus to finding solutions together. Ask, “What can we do to address this issue in a way that feels fair to both of us?”
6. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If the power struggle feels unresolvable or if emotional wounds from the past are too difficult to navigate on your own, seeking the help of a skilled therapist can be incredibly helpful. A therapist can guide you through the process of understanding your unconscious dynamics, improving communication, and healing emotional wounds.
Turning Power Struggles into Growth Opportunities
Power struggles don’t have to break a relationship; in fact, they can serve as powerful opportunities for growth. By recognizing the emotional dynamics at play, listening with empathy, understanding the roots of your conflict, and working collaboratively with your partner, you can move through power struggles and come out stronger on the other side.
Remember, the power struggle is not about winning or losing—it’s about building a deeper, more resilient connection. As you work through these challenges together, you’ll create a relationship that is not only emotionally fulfilling but also a space for healing and mutual growth.
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